A humor column first published at Thanksgiving 2014.
Thanksgiving went very well this year, thanks to my vigilance.
I made sure Tom Turkey received a full body scan at the grocery checkout, patted him down at home and conducted a thorough internal inspection to be sure he wasn’t concealing anything dangerous. I found only a slimy gizzard, a displaced liver and a scrawny neck. It’s a tough job, but someone had to do it. Who knows? That “free range” he came from could have been anything.
Had Chevy Chase screened his poultry this carefully, the turkey in “Christmas Vacation” would never have collapsed like a deflated balloon at the dinner table. One cannot be too cautious these days.
Homeland security begins at home
Since the Department of Homeland Security encourages every citizen to be vigilant, I decided to make my home more secure by applying Transportation Security Administration travel standards to our Thanksgiving potluck.
Each guest was allowed to bring 3.4 ounces of gravy in a sealed container inside a single quart-sized plastic bag. Canned cranberry sauce had to be discarded at the door, because gels are restricted. The yams looked suspiciously like grenades, so they were detonated in the microwave.
Carry-on rules
Guests were limited to one carry-in bag that fit under their seat at the table. Bags were searched in a conspicuous place, and there was an extra charge for each additional bag.
Before anyone came inside, I asked for a government-issued ID and proof that they would be leaving after the meal. Each guest was then inspected by our bomb-sniffing cat.
Shoes, belts and jackets came off before everyone passed through the metal detector in the foyer. No one was “gellin'” in my house, since gel shoe inserts are strictly prohibited.
Due to security restrictions, the relatives all had to leave their billy clubs, brass knuckles and nunchucks at home. It was the most peaceful Thanksgiving we’ve ever had.
Carving under restrictions
Because knives are prohibited, carving the turkey was a challenge. We made do with scissors with blades shorter than four inches. Butter knives, thankfully, were approved for my TSA table.
Dessert was a little different than last year. Pumpkin pie passed screening, but canned whipped cream did not, since compressed gas cylinders are on the restricted list. We ate it plain and liked it.
Preparing for Christmas
I’m already getting ready for the next holiday. A body scanner is being installed on the chimney so Santa can be screened on his way down. On Christmas Eve, we’ll search his bag and pat him down to make sure that belly really is just a bowlful of jelly.
After all, consider the profile. Santa spends eleven months a year in a remote northern location planning a large-scale, one-night operation of worldwide impact. He has a long beard, a team of subordinates, a fleet of unregistered aircraft and communicates mostly through televised appearances. Someone at headquarters is making a list and checking it twice, and I have a feeling Kris Kringle is on it.
A word of thanks
All kidding aside, the people who screen millions of travelers each holiday season have a thankless job, and the busiest travel days of the year fall around Thanksgiving. If you’re flying, arrive early, pack your liquids in a clear bag, wear shoes that slip off easily and leave the cranberry sauce at home.
And whatever you do, don’t try to bring the yams.
This column was originally published in November 2014.
Happy Thanksgiving, and safe travels to everyone heading home this week.
Pass the gravy, in containers of 3.4 ounces or less, of course.